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January 2011
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May 2011

Should I stay or Should I go?

When we think of going somewhere, we assume it includes actual physical movement. Case in point would be when we move from one state to another, get divorced or change jobs.

I came to the realization the other day that movement does not always apply to physical actions. 

We as humans, can at times, become mentally immobile.

We can become stuck in our lives due to fears, insecurities, regrets from the past or refusing to acknowledge that certain changes need to take place in our lives.

I guess I have come to a cross roads in my life that is difficult to understand at times.

This year will mark the milestone of our youngest child graduation high school and moving away to attend culinary school in another state.

In the short span of six years I have gone from three kids in high school, one in elementary school and six of our children at home, to the fact that by later this year it will be just my husband and me.

We have seen the birth of our first three grandchildren with another one on the way. Our three oldest sons have gone from single youth to grown men with families of their own.

I find that these cross roads are somewhat challenging for me to navigate because it is such new terrain. I feel that just as I was getting the hang of being a mom, I have been bumped off that job to that of grandparent and empty nester.

Since I was seventeen years old (Yes I know I was insane to get married that young!) All I have known is being someone's mom or wife.

I would have loved to have been a stay at home mom from the beginning but was unable to as our finances dictated otherwise.

I was unable to fully enjoy motherhood or my oldest children because trying to juggle working as a cop, going to school full time, and trying to deal with all the dysfunctional people around me left little time or patience for my boys.

In my second marriage I was able to finally become a stay at home mom, but it felt like too little to late, because my youngest was already five, his older brothers were in their teens and the damage was already done.

I am consumed with guilt and anger over some of the decisions that I made in my life and in particular for not having realized that a lot of people, most of them family, really had no place in my life.

I also was upset by the fact that just because I was willing to see my kids, all my kids, step and otherwise, as my own and treat them as such; not everyone felt or acted the same way, it was quite evident that certain people treated their "blood" relatives way differently than those obtain through marriage.

The other thing that had caused me to be stagnant in my growth, was being overtly concern with being a support system to people that really did not want to help themselves.

Nothing burns you out quicker that a person who sucks everything and everyone around them dry with their negativity and selfishness, until you feel like nothing more than an empty shell.

Once we realize that those mistakes are in the past and you need to learn from them, or you are trying to figure out where you need to improve is where the question comes in, "Should I stay or should I go?"

Again I am not referring to physically leaving, but how do we mentally move on?

For one thing we need to realize that as much as we hope, dream and pray, we are not going to magically stumble upon a time machine to take us back to the precise moment of our chagrin and afford us the opportunity to change it completely. The quicker we stop dwelling in the past and take action in the now, the quicker we can get back on track.

The second point is that we will never be able to change anyone, no matter how much we hope, dream, pray or barter with God. We all have free will and as some people keep exercising their free will to be selfish and narrow-minded. Once you finally accept this fact, you can start to focus on you and live your life.

In my case I find that figuring out what direction to take when you are almost fifty can be intimidating, especially when for the last umpteen years its always been about someone else.

Learning to stand on your own two feet when you have had to submit to others whims, is quite an intimidating proposition. When you finally understand that you need to "do you" and get that point across to others, its quite liberating.

While I honestly must confess that trying to start a career in any field is a challenge at my age, it would be an even bigger challenge to not start.

I could continue to rely on someone else's paycheck and hope that all goes well, but the resentment created from the having to ask for things and the other person having the responsibility of giving all the time is overwhelming.

The question, "should I stay or should I go?" refers to the fact that I need to mentally let go of the past and move on to my future. A future that is mine and mine alone. 

A future where I come to the full understanding that I am no longer at the beck and call of my children or my spouse. Where it is finally okay to "do me" and pretty much tell everyone else that they can......go get a life of their own. Which in reality isn't that what we should all be striving to achieve??

I think I will go out and venture out alone into the great, wide world and dig me up a dream or two to conquer, after all staying really ins't much of an option now is it?

Happy travels everyone!