So today I woke up and had a...what would you call it? Oh Yeah, Good Lord, what were you thinking moment!!! So many things have changed in my life in the last 10 months, but at the same time I feel like nothing has changed and I am sliding backwards!
No my dear readers I am not losing my optimism, I might have lost my mind, but hey you cannot miss what you never had, right? (Insert wink here!)
What I am losing is my ability to understand why everyone assumes that their lack of planning results in my emergency!
I guess what it is, is that in the last 10 months I had made a commitment to achieve a lot of the goals I had put on hold to raise my large family. My youngest is 17 years old and does not need mommy hovering over him every second of the day and all the other ones are pretty much on their own. So its my turn now.
the funny thing is that people will tell you they want you to go conquer the world, but then when you do, they are like"Where are you going? Don't leave me alone?"
Really now you tell me this, after I am half way up the summit!
Sadly a lot times people will actually turn around to go back and hold their loved one's hand, for no reason! Because as soon as you return they are like, "What you doing here, give me my space!" You see my frustration!
The "what I was thinking moment" came to me not because I was thinking of success and my goals, but because I was thinking of the fact that why did I even turn around the first time?
If after years of putting everything on hold to ensure the success of my children they have chosen not to succeed, that is not my problem!
The reason it is not my problem is because what might be viewed as success to me, is not what they view as success to them!
If a child wants to go through life by way of the rough, painful road, there is nothing a parent can do, but watch and pray that they find their way out in one piece.
If a child knows in their heart that the decision they are making is wrong, but refuse to admit it and continue to go through with it, again there is nothing a parent can do, no matter how painful it is to watch that child make a mistake.
With this said, I do not understand why children expect parents to drop their whole life to accommodate their every whim, and if we do not get in debt up to our eyeballs, cancel long awaited vacations, or run to be their yes people, then we are bad parents and not being supportive.
the reality is that as much as adult children profess to being independent and wanting to make adult decisions, they still turn into a spoiled two years old, if mommy and daddy do not agree with every decision they make.
Part of being an adult is realizing that just because you have the freedom to live your life any way you want, does not give you the right to have everyone bless your decision and agree with it!
the hard part for parents is to realize that they are not obligated to continue to put their life on hold forever, because of decisions made by their adult children.
I love my children and while the.., I won't call them sacrifices, but the things we have done for them, a lot won't be known to them until after we are dead, if ever.
I, as a parent did not do what I did for my kids to have them place me on a pedestal or worship me as a martyr.
I did it to give them wings, independence and a chance at a happy life.
If the child chooses to live a life different from that ideal, it is okay, but do not expect me as a parent to continue to course my life through your mistakes.
Just as you are now free to chart your own course, so too am I free to explore my own uncharted territories.
I do not expect you to understand where I want to go now any more than I can understand where you are headed.
the funny thing is that I am okay with that! i still love my kids, I am very proud of all they have done and continue to do...But its my turn now!
I have washed enough clothes to build a mountain, baked enough cookies to feed a third world country, corrected enough homework to have earned my PhD by now and have spent my share of long nights with a sick child pacing the floor praying for their recovery. So now its my turn.
I have postponed my first cruise for 39 years to ensure that my kids went on exchange programs, private schools, dance lessons, music lessons, sports camps, colleges and every party they were invited to. its my turn now.
I have traded my career for PTA, cub scouts, girls camp, walk-a-thons, fundraisers, paper mache planets, coaching soccer and gymnastics and for cheer leading competitions. its my turn now.
I have planned my vacations around softball tournaments, baseball tournaments, soccer tournaments in places not exactly my first vacation spot choice just to ensure the child had a fan in the stands. Its my turn now!
I have attended enough plays, recitals, programs, games, meets, competitions and tournaments to write an encyclopedia about them! its my turn now!
I do not say this with bitterness or resentment, because my kids do have considerate hearts at times.
My boys drove all the way from Philadelphia just to see me in my first play and I cried my eyes out for their thoughtfulness! It was also totally cool having my cast mates comment on how sweet my boys were for doing that!
My daughter always knows what to give me as a gift that means the world and unclogs the tear ducts.
As a parent, as a mother, the things that mean the most are some times the things that are lacking, the random phone call just to say hi, not to drop a bomb shell about another drama in your life. The announcement that you are coming home for a holiday and I do not have to pay for you flight. The fact that you actually remembered my birthday and can actually take care of yourself.
My kids for the most part do this, but the outcome of my "what was I thinking moment" was this...
Its My turn Now!
No I will not cancel my movie shoot to go be there for you on your day that you did not bother to take anyone's schedule into consideration.
No I will not postpone my talk show because you need some paperwork filled.
No I will not cancel my trip to Maine because you need the house cleaned!
No I will not return my new speakers because you forgot to fill out your financial aid forms and now need money for something or other.
No I will not drop everything to answer you phone call every minute of everyday! its my turn now.
Wow glad i got that off my chest!
But the reality is that my family is close, I love my kids dearly and we do have the kind of relationship where they get where I am coming from so guess what world..
Its my turn now!!
make sure you do the dishes, feed the dog and do your own laundry..i am on my way to a book signing!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh freeedoom!! So sweet!
Thank goodness for "what was I thinking moments!"
Last one to the top of the summit is a lazy egg!