(Since nothing you receive makes you happy, you will go back to having nothing at all!)
The Old man and the Fish
It seems everyone feels the need to make New Year resolutions that we all know very rarely get followed through to fruition.
We all want deep down inside to be more productive, more successful, healthier, richer etc., but ultimately our humanness gets in the way and we fall short of our deepest desires.
When I was a young girl, growing up in a miserably, dysfunctional existence my dreams and secret desires were what kept me going day to day.
The ability to dream of a brighter future gave me the strength to survive another day in the hell that my life was at the hands of my mother and her cohorts.
With that said, some people that struggle in life, have a sense of karmic entitlement where they are owed a perfect life after enduring hard times.
This could not be further from the truth and honestly there is a reason for this reality.
2012 for me and my family was the biggest roller coaster ride of my life next to 2000.
In the year 2000 we lost my mother in law to Cancer. While devastating, she was in her 70's had raised her kids, seen her grandchildren, great grand children and lived an amazing life later on, that of set her suffering earlier on. We were able to cope and knew that it was the circle of life.
In 2012 we lost our daughter in law to Cancer. Sarah was 32, beautiful, had two amazing babies and her whole life ahead of her. it didn't make sense. It wasn't the circle of life and Sarah had not had a chance to be fully repaid Karmically for the hardships she endured as a child.
All my personal accomplishments, winning Mrs. Woman Petite World, winning Ms. U.S of America, working in films, winning a road race and others, were washed away and meant nothing with our Sarah gone.
My husband and I put our life in storage and I moved to PA. to assist my son with his two, now motherless, boys.
Let me make this clear, this decision was NOT a sacrifice, it was a no brainer, what family does for family.
Nine months after the loss of Sarah and moving in with my son, while my husband remained behind still working, 2012 comes to a close.
I feel that I truly did have the option to become bitter, to be mad at God.
To be upset at mothers that use their kids as pawns agains their fathers.
To be hostile towards spouses that take each other for granted and do nothing but complain about their partner to anyone that will listen.
I could be angry at parents that ignore their kids or act as if they are a burden.
I can be steamed at people that waste their lives complaining about all they should get, but never do anything to work towards their goals.
I could really be bitter and all of the above that I have meantioned, but I can't, because then everything Sarah stood for, lived for, would be wasted!
I have decided to be better.
To enjoy everyday just a little longer.
To appreciate people a bit more.
To realize that for all the crap that life has handed me, it has also blessed me with so much more.
I can chose to focus only on the darkness or I can focus on the rose pushing through the winter's chilling, death's grip and still manages to bloom.
Rose blooming December 18, 2012 in PA.
While I truly believe that everyday is a new day to make resolutions. To try harder, love deeper, hold on longer, and forgive and forget with true humility in our hearts, I also feel that 2012 has given me the biggest lesson of all.
I have learned that the reason we don't get a Karmic pass after suffering is because, no matter what we have, whether we are pauper or prince, our true joy, our inner peace or contentment does not come from anyone other then ourselves.
It is so easy to sit there and blame everyone else for our unhappiness, but the true question is what are you doing to make yourself happy?
If all you do is point out the faults in your spouse, then I guess that is all you will see.
If all you do is complain about what you don't have, then you miss out on the joy of what you do have.
Remember the old saying, "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet".
We as a people need to start taking ownership of our own happiness and need to stop playing the blame game.
I of all people have learned this, now more than ever.
I can keep airing my dirty laundry, my illnesses, my hardships etc. to get pity and to try to get people to take my "side", to feel sorry for me, or I can realize that the last thing I want in life is to be pitied!
I want to be strong.
I want to be a positive light for good.
I want to be that person that when others walk away from me they leave with a spark from my light of hope.
As difficult as 2012 was, it was by far the year that I grew the most as a person, woman, mother, wife and human being.
I will never take anything for granted again.
I have learned that cyber friends, were at times more there for me that people that were a few feet away.
I have learned that kids I had known for years, were now adults with compassion, loyalty and a loving desire to help.
I have learned that some people seriously go out of their way to make themselves miserable and unhappy no matter how blessed they are in life.
These people are the wife from the story of "the old man and the fish", no matter how much they are given, they will never be happy and will not stop until they have nothing or no one left.
They have grown so used to being unhappy, and contentious, that when they have love, and stability in their lives, they will stop at nothing until they leave only chaos and carnage in their wakes.
What an absolute waste of a life and of God's gifts.
I have lastly learned that negative people have no place in my life or in my inner circle, because nothing I do or say will change their outlook on life. Misery loves company and that is one party I refuse to attend.
With that said 2013 for me will have only one resolution.
I will be better, not bitter.
Whatever I accomplish or lose in 2013 will be my own doing or my own fault. I have no one to blame or praise for this, except myself.
I will also remember to give the glory to God! Whether it is good, bad or indifferent.
I will also remember to be grateful for the amazing man, who while far from perfect, is the man who truly accepts me, for me, warts and all, my husband!
It is my desire that everyone I know will have that Epiphany that will be a turning point for them, happen to them without having to go through great loss or suffering, as it has happened to me.
I don't profess to mean that this will result in me suddenly achieving astronomical success or untold riches, but it does mean that what ever I do achieve, receive, earn or accomplish, I will be humbly and eternally grateful for it and will appreciated every second of every day.
I pray that everyone of you has an amazing and, as my baby girl Sarah would say fabulous 2013.
And never forget nothing is impossible to a willing heart!